Category: Personal Growth

Personal growth, parenting, more

Taking back control and refusing to yield

You know, I really adore my martial arts and self defense classes – the information and knowledge I’m learning there is just plain gold.

I had a very interesting discussion with a sensei yesterday about fighting and how not to panic when the stress levels are high. When you’re in the heat of the moment, it’s natural to let emotions overcome you…but that’s the path to utter conquest and failure to boot.

A knife or a stick by itself is of no threat to you. It’s the opponent’s skill level/commitment that makes them dangerous…but it’s also much more than that as well.

Disagreements, fights, etc., take place between two people…and it’s often the mental outlook that will tip the scales over in one direction or another. You need to refuse to give over control of yourself to another person…you need to proactively CHOOSE NOT to be passive victim.

This means…when you’re in a stressful situation, you have to mentally distance yourself and say, okay, here’s what’s happening, I will remain calm and in control and I will deal with it to the best of my abilities. Verbalize! This helps you breathe and keeps panic down – tell the other person they will NOT do whatever and this problem ends NOW. True, that might not halt the escalation, but you’re already gaining an edge by showing you’re not a passive victim, you’re not going down without a fight.

I want to urge all readers to look up self-defense online…and contact your police department and see if any self-defense/womens self defense classes are offered. Getting stressed out and experiencing danger in a controlled situation is extremely useful in helping you internalize how you can retain control during altercations and confrontations…and it might give you the skills you’ll need to survive and escape.

Here are some great resources:

Women’s Self Defense

Safety for Women

Kids Self Defense

No Nonsense Self Defense

The truth is, we do live in a scary world sometimes…and it’s up to each person to learn techniques for dealing with scary situations. When you’re in a life/death situation, the only person upon whom you can count…is yourself. So make it worth counting.

Enjoy,

Barbara

ps – Some great self-defense resources are:

Dealing with kitchen fires – children safety

Morning,

Watch the following. It’s very very eye-opening. Share it with kids.

http://www.ranaldofamily.com/SWF/KitchenOilFire.wmv

At the Fire Fighting Training school they would demonstrate this with a deep fat fryer set on the fire field. An instructor would don a fire suit and using an 8 oz cup a t the end of a 10 foot pole toss water onto the grease fire. The results got the attention of the students. The water, being heavier than the oil, sinks to the bottom where it instantly becomes superheated. The explosive force of the steam blows the burning oil up and out. On the open field, it became a thirty foot high fireball that resembled a nuclear blast.

Inside the confines of a kitchen, the fire ball hits the ceiling and fills the entire room.

Also, do not throw sugar or flour on a grease fire. One cup creates the explosive force of two sticks of dynamite.This is good stuff to share.

Barbara

ps – more fire-prevention:

Parents should not be their kids’ friends.

Parenting. It’s the ultimate of a hero’s journey.

Okay, true, I suppose one’s own personal growing-up time is really the most soul-searing adventure one can undertake. After all, to first be a parent, you should first have passed all of the life’s lessons that have been thrown at you! You should have internalized that your job as a mom or dad is NOT to be your child’s friend…instead, it is to be ‘way above and beyond anything a mere friend can be!

You simply have to internalize that your roll is to raise your children to be the best possible person imaginable. And that means setting up boundaries and inflicting consequences when kids dare to push past them.

Kids need to know where they stand in the scheme of things. They need the security of boundaries so they can rely upon their parents when the going gets tough. Our society tries to make children grow up ‘way ahead of their time…it’s only natural that kids will want more and more security when confronted with these challenges.

I see this all the time at the karate dojo I attend. Some moms (not all, of course, not by a long shot) are ruled by their children…and will scamper to meet their every insane need. These kids are the ones who whine about not doing the workout, who can turn on the waterworks at the drop of a hat…and cause mom to come running. It makes you want to scream at the parents and ask, my gosh, how on earth do you think your child will mainstream into middle school later on if all you do is cater cater cater?

Sigh.

Parents need to be firm. They must not be afraid to mete out punishment when required, nor be afraid to fall onto their knees to comfort their children when its needed.

So why are so many parents doormats these days? I truly have no clue. I’m known as Mean Mommy Ling by my kids’ friends (and also known as Mama Bear by my kids’ teachers)…yet in all cases, kids flock to me whenever I show up at class.

Boundaries work. Plain and simple, boundaries work. So do your children a favor and give them that security…you might be surprised at how much they end up calming down.

Enjoy,

Barbara

ps – Need some parenting resources? Consider:

Lightning-fast reflexes in the morning!

Here’s a funny parenting thing.

I had to awaken my daughter early this morning. After she left her room, she hid right by my room with the nefarious plan of jumping out and scaring me.

Well! I walked out, didn’t see her, did see something move towards my face, and executed a perfect(I mean utterly perfect) karate block without thinking.

My gosh, was she startled and surprised (I had enough control to pull my block back before I made contact with her face)! “Mom, you were supposed to be scared, not prepared!”

Mommy rules! :)

Barbara

ps – I personally hate scary movies. These are much better:

Trick or Calculus! The joys of trick or treating

This evening’s Halloween trick or treating was ‘way interesting! One of my kids sprained her foot in karate, necessitating her to be on crutches for the foreseeable future. So! Magnificent mom that I am, I offered to go in her place and bring her back her rightful share of candy.

Enter the MommyMobile – I packed in 5 kids (some friends of my children as well) and we drove to our hallowed stomping grounds. It’s a super neighborhood that has a high concentration of houses compared to landsize – it takes only an hour or so to hit the entire area! And all of the kids prefaced their bag-holding-out routine by saying, trick or treat! All, of course, except moi – I figured, why be boring, so I cheerfully chirped, Trick or Calculus! or hey! Trick or Differential Equations!

Obviously there were some enginners at the homes…I got a lot of positive comments from that. :)

Anywhos, we TorTed for about 2 hours and came home quite exhausted but very happy indeed. I wore my camouflage karate gi (must! show! off! deltoids!) and blended in very well with the other kiddies there. :)

Speaking of karate, one of our beloved senseis gave our class an excellent overview on Halloween safety…about how parents should always check candies, kids should never step inside houses, what a bad guy looks like (answer: anyone), etc. Here are some more resources for that Halloween safety:

Halloween Safety

FDA Halloween Safety

NFPA Halloween Safety

And that was the Ling Halloween,

Barbara

ps – obviously, the best costumes are really:

Going out in a blaze of glory

You know, you can choose to view everything in life as a hero’s journey. It makes the pain and difficulties much easier to bear.

My right femur is getting worse and worse. While I can still walk and karate-ize and sparrize and what have you…when it’s all done, I’m constantly reminded that hey! If I’m consciously aware of it, my physical condition is simply deteriorating. Not while I’m active, mind you….I take great care to ensure I don’t aggravate my condition. But when all is said and done, I’m made aware of the fact that gee, surgery will be a very welcome event.

Put simply, I refuse to accept my limitations. Yes, I’m handicapped. And yes, if I’m at the bottom of a staircase, I’ll look to the top, sigh, and then start pulling myself up via the railing to get there.

Those are facts of my reality…but it does NOT have to be the defining aspect of my abilities!!

Lately I find myself wanting to push myself to the breaking point…simply to assert to the universe, hell, I might be in lousy physical shape bone-wise, but that doesn’t stop me! I shall compensate and I shall overcome. Do you hear me? I will prevail!

And yes, I told the stars in the early morning sky that this morning. The winds were whipping about and the leaves were rustling fiercely and there was Barbara Ling, the tiny speck of humanity standing on on her house deck, shaking her first and declaring to the cosmos in no uncertain terms…you cannot stop me.

And you can’t. From the bottom of my heart, I know this…. in particular…. to be true.

Enjoy,

Barbara

ps – The universe is huge! Consider:

Honor your poor dieting weight loss choices and then….

Choices.

It’s a great concept.

Yesterday my overly-angsted kid told me, Mom, stop saying I’m making choices in regards to my actions!

?

You know, just think about it. Who controls your mind? Who controls your body? Who holds the knife to your throat and says, okay, go jump into the pool with all your clothing on while the Halloween party is going on in another area….you know, that party you’re supposed to chaperone?

Well?

Methinks the answer is obviously. You do! It’s your choices, your actions, your consequences that you experience. Nobody else’s.

You own your own behavior. And that goes for dieting and weight loss as well.

One of the reasons why I’ve been so successful in my weight loss journey (and life in general!) is that I choose to own all my own decisions, be they bad, good, magnificent, idiotic, etc. This way I am assured that I have only myself to blame (and myself to praise) when my get up and go, got up and went, and was last seen heading towards Nebraska.

It’s tough sometimes to admit to yourself you’ve made lousy decisions in the past. You have to deal with personal embarrassment, with feelings of letting yourself down….it can be very painful to witness and confront.

But you know….I firmly believe everything in life happens for a reason. And some things happen because your guardian angel is telling you, okay, buckle down now and listen….there’s a level of your personal inner strength that you do NOT know you possess. So I’m going to make darned sure you come into contact with it right now!!

After all, that’s what happens when you confront painful issues, right? You have to rally your own inner strength to say, okay, I was an absolute idjut…I admit it….but it’s not going to derail my future steps! Remember, you cannot change the past whatsoever…but you can always influence how the future unfolds.

Like dieting. And losing weight. And getting on your journey to better health.

Accept ownership and responsibility for all of your choices in the past. Those choices are what led you to being the person you are today. And if you’re not satisfied with that….honor your grief. Give yourself a few minutes to feel self-pity and cry it out (I truly believe crying is a catharsis – it gets rid of negative excess energies and frees you to move on).

Then imagine a biiiig suitcase and put all your negative feelings and regrets and embarrassment in it. Walk in your mind over to the top of a huge cliff that towers in your mind and….

Chuck that suitcase over!

Discard and throw away all your pain from before. Give yourself permission to say:

Okay, I’ve made some pathetic choices in the past – that’s okay now. I’ve accepted my responsibility for them…and I’m now moving on to a better and healthier me! Got that?? Nobody but NOBODY will stop my future success!!

You’d be surprised how much more in control you’ll feel when you take responsibility for all of your choices, the actions that resulted from those choices, and the future paths that are waiting for you.

It’s truly a hero’s journey.

Enjoy,

Barbara

ps – speaking of choices, here’s some dandy ones for Weight Watchers!

I’m not your friend, I’m your mom. That’s my role in life.

Morning,

I think that being a firm parent is one of the toughest things a mom has to do.

Today one of my kids made some very ill-considered choices…so I chose to inflict specific consequences geared towards driving the point home.

The good news is that was certainly achieved…the not-so-thrilling news is that it resulted in major angst…..angst against which I had to stand firm.

Argh. It would be so much easier to simply let things slide….and not form good habits. Argh!

I had to reiterate several times that I’m not your friend, I’m ‘way above and beyond that, I’m your mom and no, I don’t particularly care if you choose to hate me for this fact. Oh, and never try the test of wills; it’s impossible to break me.

“But mom, what if I’m kidnapped and die and these were your last words to me? You’re being sooooo unfair! You’ll feel soooooo guilty!”

‘Tis amazing the guilt trips children will try to harass their parents with. Sigh.

So….the point has been made, and my kid is currently snarling to herself. Ah well. I know she will emerge stronger for this difficulty…and I also know she will learn better choices for the future. But wow, it’s still just plain hell to watch one’s children choose to be miserable. Sigh sigh sigh.

Kids should come with reboot mechanisms. :)

And so the night falls,

Barbara

ps – I wonder if the following are easier to raise?

Believing in your children, believing in your students…believing in yourself

Morning,

Yesterday’s karate class was (as always!) quite an eye-opening experience. Ever since last week when our beloved sensei drilled us until exhaustion (but he didn’t break us!), my family has adored going to Wednesday classes. We view it as an Ultimate Challenge – will we survive without asking for a break? Will our warrior will beat that of our sensei? etc.etc.etc.

Anywhos, alas, yesterday brought a number of newcomers to the class, so the desired “Go ahead! You can’t break me!” test of wills didn’t happen. Wah! But! During one of our drills, we had to kick a pad down the room one way, and then back up the next.

My eldest daughter went against our beloved sensei…and when she threw her first kick, he….

Didn’t budge.

Didn’t move.

Just gave her a look that said, you honestly expect me to believe that’s your best?

It took three kicks before he finally did move. And he kept up that intensity the whole time….resulting in my daughter doing approximately 3 times the number of kicks the other students did.

Now, keep in mind the following. I had given permission for my kids to be tested at the toughest level possible….and wow oh wow, but my daughter finally gave a performance she didn’t realize she had in her.

Simply because….her sensei held her to a high standard.

I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to let kids know you believe in them…and to shun half-buttocked attempts and demand the very best they can do. My family is really lucky – all of our senseis at our dojo really know how to bring out the best in kids (adults too!).

So! The next time your child whines about something being too hard…and you know they can rise to the challenge – demand it. You might be surprised at the response.

Enjoy,

Barbara

ps – Need some good study aids? Consider:

Ripping up a first grader’s homework

Ah, the joys of maintaining standards of excellent and self-pride in one’s work!

This morning my first grader brought to me his homework. Now, he is very much aware that half-buttocked attempts at work will result in mommy ripping up the page and having him do it again. Be that as it may, today he chose to write his sentences without any spaces between any words.

“But Mom, I’m not used to it! I can’t do it!” he whined to me when I brought his attention to this fact. Rather calmly, I went to my computer, printed out another blank handwriting page, and ripped up his first attempt.

BAM! You’d have thought the earth had been hit by an asteroid. The tears flowed, the angst erupted, and quicker than a lightning flash, I went to my knees to hug him tight to me and tell him, I believed in him and his abilities…and I KNEW that he could rise to the challenge and succeed no matter what.

It was a calculated move, I will admit…in hindsight, I can see how it might have gone either way. But when I came back to him 10 minutes later…..he had completely redone his work and was beaming with pride. “Look Mom, I calmed myself down and I finished it!!”

Wow. What an emotional roller-coaster. True, while there were spaces now between every word, there were missed capitals and the like….but I didn’t want to focus on that. Instead, I hugged him tight and reiterated how I knew he had it in him, how he should be so proud of himself for not giving up nor giving in….and what an utterly awesome kid he is.

He went to school quite happy!

Ah, the joys of showing you expect levels to maintained…and also demonstrating an undeniable belief in one’s child! I think that knowing someone believes in you is one of the most powerful gifts you can give your kids….it’s the thing that keeps them going and going and going.

You know, being a tough mom is one of the most difficult things I have to do for my kids. Staying the line, refusing to accept poor attempts, letting them cry….it can really be quite devastating. But the rewards at the end (super self-sufficient, confident magnificent kids) makes it all worthwhile.

Enjoy,

Barbara

ps – Want handwriting goodies? Consider: